Monday, June 1, 2009

I know..I know

I know, it's been too long since my last post. I had some real motivation issues in May...that I think really started in late April. I began questioning why I wanted to do all this, and did I want to finish it..surely I could find an excuse as to why I couldn't finish my training, and couldn't do the IM race. As much as I thought about it, I knew Rick would not buy into any excuse I could make up...there are no other option but to race. This event has cost me nearly $10,000 in training, races, travel, bike and repairs...all that adds up to a huge weight on my shoulders. All that money could have paid off several bills...and I drowned my sorrows in pity during May. My body and my mind where both just exhausted so I didn't do much more than my workouts with Dave. After we came home from Bishop I got really lazy and didn't do anything at all except stuff my face full of ice cream, cookies and milk and soda. I gained back the weight I had lost working with Dave in March and now I'm horrified, disappointed and surely didn't want to blog about to all of you.

During May I also realized the situation I put myself in when I signed up for the half IM in Northern CA. The excitement of seeing my girlfriend had me registering so fast that I didn't look at the course much, which has ended up being my worst nightmare. I'm more worried and stressed out about the 1/2 then the full, and I'm being honest. How weak am I on hills? How long have I been working on watts and "attacking" hills with minor improvements? Well, the entire bike course for my first 1/2 is nothing BUT hill climb after hill climb and I'm scared. Sometimes not knowing is better. Following is a 1/2 marathon, and I know how a 1/2 marathon feels WITHOUT all that biking before. How can I do this? How am I going to get this done? I wish I had somebody to run with. I feel so alone and that race isn't for several months.

I'm going on and on...April and May are over, and not soon enough. I knew Dave would have lofty goals for me and he didn't disappoint. I'm ready...and I'm excited again. I have to get this ice cream weight off my thighs so when he told me I was riding 400 miles and running 100, I was okay with it. I think he was waiting for me to freak out some, but I just said okay...followed by a "I can't believe I'm about to do all this" laugh. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who struggles... I can't always reach out for help..sometimes my arms just aren't that long.

Seriously, June is going to be my month of accomplishments. I'm on target, I'm feeling much better and I'm having fun again. My fear is still there, but I can't continue to sabotage myself by letting my worry cripple my workouts. I don't know what will happen at the 1/2 but all I can do it try. If I don't make the cutoffs, well, then I don't. Will it hurt me, deeply I'm sure but this pre-race fear is killing me now and everyday I wake up, I fight it.

Here are some random photos from an Adventure Race Rick and I did this past weekend in Laguna Mtn, CA. We trekked, mtn bike and orienteering. PERFECT navigation from Rick!!! Nicely done.

This was the first AR I did where I had to pack all my gear for the bike and run so my pack was heavy with shoes, 100oz of water and food. What an experience. We traveled the Pacific Coast Trail - WOW - it was sooo beautiful!!!!

Following the race we had a big BBQ with everyone. That was the best part..everyone brought potluck food and we swapped stories, compared navigation choices and enjoyed the moments we had in common.

(high-five Ann!!) I love her! She's the kind of gal you see a couple times a year, but you feel like you've known her your whole life. Super nice!!! Go Ann Hall! I wish I could race with her...

Look at how dirty my legs are!

Final note.... yes, I'm biking 400 miles and running 100. My only event this month is the Tribal Tri on Saturday so if you are free, maybe you'll come.

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