Okay...I'll Finish

So okay, I'll finish up my story and then I'm taking a blog break....

Geez...I can't remember where I left off so I'm just jumpin in.

I got tired of getting beat up and messed up...I wanted to straighten up. I stopped doing drugs and I actually went back to school...for seven years I was in college! I know..that's a long time. I LOVE school now. I'm almost always in a class or looking for one to join. Psychology, marketing, group training, web design, graphic design... you name it and I've taken it or should have a degree in it!!

There aren't too many things I haven't tried once or twice in my life. I've been bungee jumping off a bridge in the middle of the night... I broke into an empty house just for a place to sleep. I was "arrested" once for breaking into that house and I've been on probation before. On the more positive side I was also a volunteer at a homeless youth center for several years in my early 30's and was this close to joining the Peace Corp. just a little before that. In my late 20's early 30's I spent most of my time trying to pay back all of my bad decisions and give back as much of myself as I could. Trying to reverse Karma I suppose.

I live free now. I've given up the guilt and embarrassment. I'm smart, funny, loyal and mostly I just try to live a simple life with a few really awesome people around me. My story ends with this... I am defined by who I am today...not by what I did yesterday. Happy Training....Kim

Thanks

Thanks to all my readers in 2008....I'm taking some blog time off and just focusing on my training. Thanks for your emails and messages and if I start blogging again I'll be sure to let you know!

Happy Trails

My New CompuTrainer

I'm pretty excited! I bought the CompuTrainer yesterday. I've already downloaded the IM route and I'm ready to sweat. My goal - to blow Dave's mind the next time I race virtual Kim! That's right. I won't see that look on his face again! EVER.... On Wed I raced VK (virtual Kim) and I'm still able to kick her ass but it's getting harder.. She's getting stronger every time I see her. No more....I'm done with VK.

Biking use to be the only means of transportation some months ago and I have to get back to that routine. She's got to be my feet and now with the trainer I'll be able to get so much more done. I'll post photos soon. We are headed out of town for the weekend so watch for pics soon!

Well, I screwed up

If you could see me, you'd see my head held low and a shameful look on my face. I haven't been doing everything I'm suppose to do. Dave's assignment for me while he was gone on vacation was not completed....well, not all of it anyway. I am suppose get 250 bike miles done and I just haven't. I can find all kinds of excuses but the bottom line is, I just got lazy. So today, when I saw Dave he asked me about it and the look on his face said all I needed to hear. As much as I try and make Dave proud of me, today was the complete worst I've felt since we started this 8 or 9 months ago.

I'm truly sorry Dave....because I know your time is valuable. I know you take my training serious and I totally let you down this past week. I'm going to get my bike miles done, and my running if I have to drag my ass over the 60 and 250 mile marker...I promise I'll get it done....

Ironman

Did anyone watch the Kona Ironman on TV this past week? Well, I finally got to watch it last night and I had a whole bunch of emotions arise. Excitement, fear, curiosity, admiration....a wide spectrum of emotion and then I got to thinkin...can I actually do that? Many of the athletes talked about how our bodies are just not made for that long a race so who am I to think that I can actually pull this off? And why the self doubt all of a sudden? I read an article lately about exercise and the writer said, "People don't exercise because they like it. They exercise for the results." Some days I agree, some I don't . What I want to know is where does the self discipline come from? What gets a person up and active when part of them says to stay home and get other things done? How does that part get exercised?

What makes a person keep running when their mind says to stop and take a rest? How does that happen?? What is it? Are we born athletic or nurtured into being athletes?

I'm truly scared after watching Kona. Now, I do realize they featured the elite athletes. I don't doubt I'll feel pain, and stomach upset and the cramps but what I fear the most is the part of my brain that says it's okay not to finish because I tried my best. I have a fairly strong will but we all have a breaking point. I worry a lot about being alone out there on that bike with just my thoughts. That's when trouble comes so I really need to focus a lot of my training on my internal dialog. I just don't know how long I'll be able to yield off the yucky stuff.

What's up

I haven't written much this week, I know. I need to finish my story and get caught up on my workout posts on my calendar but this has been a pretty busy week.

Here is a quick run down...

Hamstring pulled - OUCH
Shin splints starting to develop - OUCH
Spirits high - YEAH

Getting ready for our holiday party tonight so there has been some construction going on at my house, which has also added to my daily To Do list. Next week things will return to normal and I'll continue where we left off....Until then, "I'll see you on the radio".

A bust...

This week Dave is on vacation and it's almost as if a part of me becomes a rebellious kid and says screw it (as I toss up my hands). I've done some workouts but they are half ass effort with little desire for more. I called some of my workout friends to help get me going and I think today I might end up on my bike with C.K....which is needed since I'm now behind on my miles.

I'm swimming with a friend again this week...back at Cactus since the maintenance is done. I was really enjoying Lifetime! Nice place. She use to be a swim instructor so it's nice to have her by my side...two fold really..a friend and coach... I need to get back and finish my sessions with Cliff. I think I've improved since we last saw each other.

Off to work...

I'm back

Yeah...I'm back. Here is the really cool thing that I need to report! This was the first workout that I've done where I did not start thinking about all my regrets and troubled past. I've let it go and man, my shoulders are much lighter because of it.
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I got married when I was 18 (still had not seen my parents in years and they didn't know I was married). It was a bust and here's why. John was in jail when he proposed! TOTAL trailer trash huh! It's like an episode of My Name is Earl or something. Seriously though, he was in jail for drug sales etc and was looking at a lot of time in prison so when he asked I didn't think it would actually happen. I was wrong and now I was stuck.

Our "marriage" lasted for 3 years and the divorce was free...because he filed in jail! That was his second home. I was glad to end that huge mistake. I recently found out that he died of a heart attack early this year.

I look back on my life and it doesn't seem real. Did I really do all these crazy thing? Ugh.... I'm so glad that's all over!

Anyway... After the divorce I started to feel like it was time to get my life in some sort of working order. I got my GED and started working a real job at an insurance agency and believe it or not I took, and passed the CA state exams to sell insurance. Though I never did sell it myself, I worked for this agent for a while until I met Scott, a quadriplegic I dated for about 3 years. He was a great guy...but just not the guy for me.

My parents and I started seeing each other again and it was a huge adjustment. When I left I was a punk and now I was an adult.

Oops...look at the time! I have to get to work. I'll write more later!

My bulging biceps

That's right...I'm proud to say that in this past week I think my biceps have risen an inch. I put one of my favorite shirts on today and I had to stretch the arms out so my biceps could breath. Ask me the next time you see me to flex for you..that's some sexy sh*t there! I just can't get enough! Is it vain to be in love with my arms?

So this has to be a little short today because I have a lot to get done for Rick's race tomorrow but just a YAHHOOO for me. I raced virtual Kim on the trainer today and I gave her the smack DOWN! We did one IM loop and at my best had nearly 4 miles on her which adds up to 45 IM minutes! Then Dave's Internet went down and we lost all the data from today. Bummer...but I was really killin it. My cadence was in the 50-60's, which is what it needs to be and my legs felt really great so I'm super happy!!! TONS of improvements have been made.

I'll write more Sunday and finish my story.

Continued....

Yesterday was a frightening workout. I met Dave at Reach 11 for a run but this time...he was going to tow me. YIKES! This was frightening for a few reasons. My legs are really tired. I'm not kidding. They are really sore and hurting and have been since Sunday. I have been pounding my legs all week and given how tired I was, I could only visualize my face hitting the dirt and him dragging me behind. I was afraid of his speed. I had a couple little anxiety attacks but was so out of breath I could barely ask him to slow down. Slow down...are you hurting or in some type of pain, he says? I just can't breath. You can breath, just keep making circles with your legs. Oh my god somebody please freakin shoot me. I was scared the entire Reach 11 loop. We did one lap in 22 minutes followed by lunges until I could barely lift my body up. I hurt....really hurt....

I have another scheduled workout tonight and I'm not too sure how it will go. I can't wait for Saturday!!! (my rest day)

So back to my story....

I failed to mention that my birth mother left me when I was 3. Now, what kind of person could leave a child? Who does that? She had two other kids from a previous marriage that she never left so why me? I really struggle with this. I wonder if she remembers me on my birthday.

She took two kids with her but not me and that really made me feel like I was not good enough to keep, which has been carried into other parts of my life. The whole I'm not good enough thing ya know and the constant need for approval and acceptance. I met her for the first time when I was 8 or something just to have her leave again and not make contact for several years. We repeated this whole cycle two or three more times until I finally said no more in my 20's. She's had 5 kids now and 7 husbands. Maybe more by now..who knows but I have never had a relationship with her and at this point don't plan to.

Our last conversation was over the phone when I finally had the guts to ask her why. I was able to track her down through my grandmother's relatives and making that call was one of the hardest I've had to make. She blamed everything on my father of course and never took responsibility and never apologized for missing my life. I wonder today what her struggles are and what her pain is like...did she tell her other children about me? Seriously...who leaves their kids like that!
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So I don't really need to go into details but I did get a shower eventually and was then dropped off at a pay phone in the middle of a town I was not familiar with. Very scared and not sure what to do, I called Social Advocates for Youth and eventually ended up in the police station. Tons of crap and pain I moved up towards Sacramento with my grandmothers relatives. That didn't last long. They kicked me out too for a mistake that I cannot blog about. Ask me in person and I'll be glad to tell you.

I ended up with my friend Lori again and right now I need to go take a nap so I'll finish this later...

Here I am...

I'm reading this book my friend gave me called, "Becoming an Ironman". Super awesome book. It's short stories from people who have done an IM and what they went through to get to it. Stories like "I began to cry the last 500 meters. The end was so overwhelming - the feelings that have been numbed by training and racing catch up to you." And "I was sure I was in HELL. All I needed was someone to drip water drops on my head and shine a bright light in my eyes. It was no fun." Stories that encourage me, and make me wonder why am I really doing this.

I train alone alot and that leaves time for me to get to know myself - maybe too much. In the beginning, when I first started this process I thought my reason for doing IM was different. Or, maybe it's just evolved - I don't know but it's bigger now and much deeper. So much deeper that I think it's time for me to "come out of the closet" and share some of who I really am. It just so happens that my diary is read by you... This is important because these things hold me back from being who I really am. I live in secrets and in shame. I just don't have the energy to hold on to all this crap anymore. Now, as you read this please note that to you it's probably not a big deal and heck, your story might be similar but I've hidden from it and pushed it down for so many years that now, when I think about getting it off my chest it feels like just yesterday.

I've tossed out pieces of myself throughout the 8 or so months I've been writing. I was running yesterday and felt like it was time to share all of it and just be free...I'm so ready to be free!!

I grew up in a combined family, like most I think. I went from being an only child to suddenly the youngest of four and I was pretty okay with that. I liked having a sister and brothers....but they were not too thrilled with me. I was 7 then. By the time I started 9th grade things started to go south for me. The typical teen who hated her parents and her life and school where everyday was a challenge just to not get beat up or made fun of. I was quiet and never had friends. This was a new school and my siblings had all gone off to college so I lived with my Grandmother and parents...a house full of fun I thought. My entire life changed in one day...one class...one moment when I decided to skip math because I was too scared to walk in late and have the entire class turn and look to see who walked in after the bell rang...I will never forget how I felt that day and will regret nearly everyday after for the following 10 plus.

I found some kids who did pick me that day...they picked me to smoke some pot and cigarettes and at that moment I was scared and happy at the same time. I was making friends and loved it. At the same time I had met a gal named Lori in church. Oh yeah, it was church morning, noon and night at my house. Anyway, I'll cut to the juicy stuff here. I was now a full fledged smoker, pothead and Lori and I started sneaking out at night to meet and party with whoever would take us. To this day I don't know how we didn't get seriously hurt. I tried to run off with my parents car once but the e-brake was broken and I didn't know how to get it undone...

Months of pot quickly turned to meth and drinking and lots of trouble. I new I was addicted to meth when I would buy it and not tell my friends because I didn't want to share. I think the longest I stayed up was a weekend on acid, meth and some coke sprinkled in my joint.

Maybe you wonder what about school? Well, I got kicked out and sent to an alternative school where I got kicked out of that too. My highest high school education is 10th grade I think....I can't remember really. I got my GED in 92 or something but I'm getting ahead of myself here. At the same time I was getting kicked out of schools I was running away from home too. My parents wouldn't see me for days until I finally ran away for 3 years without a trace or a word, letter or phone call. It never bothered me to sneak out the window at night and be gone for a weekend. They nailed my window shut so I started leaving through the front door and actually appreciated how much easier it was that way.

Three years of hell and shame that I have hidden and tried to forget. Drugs, Yukon Jack, and some homelessness change a person. I didn't trust myself anymore and I didn't trust anyone around me either.

My lowest point was giving myself up for a shower. My life was in a grocery bag, I had a dollar to my name and it was in dimes and I had nobody to call...nowhere to go and more than anything I wanted to take a shower...I got into a car with three grown men who promised they would help me. How naive and how angry I am for believing them....

So this story is getting pretty long so I'll finish tomorrow. It's about feeling good enough on my own...it's about seeing myself today for who I really am and being okay with how I got here. It's about forgiving and letting go and realizing that I cannot hold the weight of this anymore. I already feel free and clean and better and I've just scratched the surface....

Ah-ha moments

A few things today... I forgot to mention that Dave told me some software he had analyzed my cadence on the CompuTrainer and I'm not doing so great. My circles are not efficient or something I guess. I push down on the pedal but that's it so he says we are going back to one leg biking. eeks.. That's riding my bike with one leg clipped in and working entirely on my circles pushing down and pulling up.

I felt for the first time today what it's going to be like when my days are nothing but training. I've been gone since 10:00 this morning swimming and running. Neither were super long, but the time goes so fast. My friend Sarah and I did 2000m total but broke it into some drills for nearly 1.5 hours followed by a 7.38 mile run on the canal. I'm pooped. My calf hurts, quads hurt, arms hurt... everything hurts right now and I don't think my legs could handle one more mile. All this and I haven't been on my bike in almost a week. I'm in "maintenance" mode until January when the real IM training starts but damn, how does a person do all this AND work?

My goals for Dec are 60 miles running and 250 miles biking. That only ads up to 2.5 miles a day for 6 days and a bit over 10 bike miles per day but include the swimming, which is going to be 3 times a week and that's a good days workout for 6 solid days. I'm tired just thinking about it and I haven't scratched the surface.

I came to the computer with lots to say (there is alot to think about when you run 7 miles alone) but I'm too stinky and tired so I'll write more later. I think I'm ready to share some of my deepest secrets in an effort to clean out my closet. I need room for some better stuff so be sure to check back maybe tomorrow for the real juicy stuff.

I've got more to say

(here it is!! I just got this info from Dave..it's the Stairmaster Crossrobics 1650 LE - total bitch of a machine!)


I blogged once today but man, my gym workout was so freakin crazy I had to write again!

But wait..I forgot to tell you about my sexy legs :) So yesterday while I was waiting for Brigid I was doing some calf and shin stretching....WOW! Through the stubble I could see my muscles bulging out of my legs and man that's sexy ;o I was making myself drool! I had to do a double take because I couldn't believe how my legs have changed. There I am, in the middle of the parking lot checkin out my stuff with zero shame...yep, and I'm gonna do it again today too! There - just did!

Had a fantastic ass kicking I can't believe I sweat that much workout today at the gym. Every muscle fiber in my arms are just shredded....and my legs...and back and okay just all over. I'm so sore that holding my fingers up to type is making my arms hurt. LOVED IT!

Here is the deal - which I obviously forgot about. If I don't bike to the gym I get punished. Well, Dave doesn't call it punishment but please, let's get real. I even asked him why he was mad at me.... I don't know what this machine is called but it's a real butt kicker. I don't even know how to describe it really but just know that it sucks really bad and I'd rather have a tooth pulled then get on it. I had 10 minutes and Dave says, "no whining" which means I must have been really bad because he's never said that to me before. 10 minutes and I'm done...too tired to stretch and too tired to now drive home...I can't feel my legs because my quads are in a spasm and I can't hold the wheel because my arms are shredded...I should have biked...I should have biked....

Trail Run

Okay, so remember months ago when I blogged about my friend "Julie's" biceps? Her real name is Brigid and we did a trail run this weekend. Once I started to think about it I realized that I had never really done a long trail run before so I was a bit nervous. I was a little worried about our speed too because, well, you know I like to worry about stuff.

The day could not have been more perfect! Families hiking and people biking...it was just great to see everyone outside.

Our goal was to start at Dreamy Draw Park and run to Tatum and back. - SIDE NOTE Brigid is signed up to do Ironman 09 too. This will be her second - END .... The route leaving Dreamy Draw was mostly uphill and you all know how I LOVE anything that involves an incline. But I do know that for my leg endurance this is the type of workout I need most. I also took comfort in knowing it was all downhill on the way back. Anyway...the conversation was so fun that I didn't think much about the distance...until we started getting close to Tatum. Man, I don't remember that last stretch being that long. It went on forever and I could feel my legs getting really tired. They are pavement legs and the terrain was beating me up. I started to wonder, how long of a rest do we get? Would I be able to sit down? HELLL NOOO...we turned right around and started back up the hill. Okay, I really do need to rest now so we started walking so I could catch my breath and try to get the feeling back into my legs. We did a walk/run all the way back and I appreciated how easy it was being with Brigid... She's such a cool cat!

The run home came quickly and I could not have been more happy. My legs now feel like bricks and all I want at this point is a cold shower and a nap...I can't wait to do it again! I think overall it was about 8 miles but with the terrain it should count as double that.

Off to the gym today and I'm ready to test my limits again this week. Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!!!