Continued....

Yesterday was a frightening workout. I met Dave at Reach 11 for a run but this time...he was going to tow me. YIKES! This was frightening for a few reasons. My legs are really tired. I'm not kidding. They are really sore and hurting and have been since Sunday. I have been pounding my legs all week and given how tired I was, I could only visualize my face hitting the dirt and him dragging me behind. I was afraid of his speed. I had a couple little anxiety attacks but was so out of breath I could barely ask him to slow down. Slow down...are you hurting or in some type of pain, he says? I just can't breath. You can breath, just keep making circles with your legs. Oh my god somebody please freakin shoot me. I was scared the entire Reach 11 loop. We did one lap in 22 minutes followed by lunges until I could barely lift my body up. I hurt....really hurt....

I have another scheduled workout tonight and I'm not too sure how it will go. I can't wait for Saturday!!! (my rest day)

So back to my story....

I failed to mention that my birth mother left me when I was 3. Now, what kind of person could leave a child? Who does that? She had two other kids from a previous marriage that she never left so why me? I really struggle with this. I wonder if she remembers me on my birthday.

She took two kids with her but not me and that really made me feel like I was not good enough to keep, which has been carried into other parts of my life. The whole I'm not good enough thing ya know and the constant need for approval and acceptance. I met her for the first time when I was 8 or something just to have her leave again and not make contact for several years. We repeated this whole cycle two or three more times until I finally said no more in my 20's. She's had 5 kids now and 7 husbands. Maybe more by now..who knows but I have never had a relationship with her and at this point don't plan to.

Our last conversation was over the phone when I finally had the guts to ask her why. I was able to track her down through my grandmother's relatives and making that call was one of the hardest I've had to make. She blamed everything on my father of course and never took responsibility and never apologized for missing my life. I wonder today what her struggles are and what her pain is like...did she tell her other children about me? Seriously...who leaves their kids like that!
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So I don't really need to go into details but I did get a shower eventually and was then dropped off at a pay phone in the middle of a town I was not familiar with. Very scared and not sure what to do, I called Social Advocates for Youth and eventually ended up in the police station. Tons of crap and pain I moved up towards Sacramento with my grandmothers relatives. That didn't last long. They kicked me out too for a mistake that I cannot blog about. Ask me in person and I'll be glad to tell you.

I ended up with my friend Lori again and right now I need to go take a nap so I'll finish this later...