Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The last person picked

When I was growing up I was always the last one picked for just about everything. I never won a prize or award and never competed for anything. Many times I felt like I was just an observer of life looking through a glass box wishing and wanting to participate but never really fitting in anywhere... I just wanted to be part of a group. Any group for that matter...but just a group. Even as adults we look for like minded people to hang with and share food with and laugh with....we are drawn to each other....at least most of us are....

Something happens to a little girl when she's always picked last and always left out. She finds a way to manage, sure, but the pain never really goes away and she can't help but wonder why. Why wasn't I ever picked....why wasn't I good enough for your team....

Over the years I've learned that the same is true for adults. We are very clickish and it's hard to break apart a strong group... No matter how hard I try to fit in or become a part of the group it never really works out. Have you heard that theory about spending time with the people you most want to be most like? Toss that shit right out the door because the people I want to hang with don't have time to wait for me to catch up...

I'm learning more and more about myself these days. I have two different personalities. I'm a very strong leader at work and I'm damn good at what I do. However, once I leave work I become somebody who lacks confidence in any social setting and seeks out the approval of almost everyone I meet. How can this be? So who am I really? Am I strong or not? Am I a leader or follower? What I have learned over the past few weeks is that if I want something I just need to do it on my own. I'm not going to get picked so I'm done waiting to hear my named called. Today I am letting go of the hope that somebody will want me on their team. Today I am letting go of the hurt feelings...the resentment...the confusion and the questions why. It is what it is and that's going to be good enough. It's about me now...and only me....

1 comment:

Clint, Marianne and Sage said...

Yes, you really must have two different personalitites; and I've only met the first. You always seem so in control, such a leader, so outgoing. After I left camp Tuesday, I kept telling myself how I need to be more like that. So just remember that although you may not always get picked for the team you want, you inspire others in ways you don't even know; make them want to be better, do better, do more.