Saturday, April 4, 2009

I have so much to learn

I have so much to learn. So, here is what happened. I did the first Splash & Dash on Thursday night. It was an eye opener...or eyeS opener I should say. First, my swimming stinks. I have not been giving enough time to swim practice and Dave's response to my swim was, "You look delicate when you swim" What? I was working really hard, but not hard enough. After that I decided to sign up with the Sun Devils Tri-Club and swim twice a week again. The only way to get myself to swim is if I pay for, chaaaching...Ironman is making me a poor woman.

I left feeling really defeated - and it's my own fault. I have a tendency to suck the fun out of some of the things I do by being competitive. After making my way out of the water on Thursday I turned around to see how many people were behind me. That's terrible! If I'm not in the middle of the pack then horrible things run through my head like, "why are you even doing all this Kim...this is way over your head. You are not strong enough or good enough to race with these people" and I'm just completely shattered by the whole thing. I'm my worst enemy at times. I measure my success based on my position and because I'm always at the pretty much stinks down here. ugh... I don't know how to stop being this way. My friends, (whom I love dearly so don't take this wrong) always come home with a medal around their necks....they are quick to tell me to compete only with myself but come on. If you have never been on the bottom you have no idea how it feels to watch everyone succeed while I continue to fail. It's pretty tough sometimes.

So how do I pick up the pieces? Well, my original plan was to go on a long bike ride and figure things out in my head but last night I felt like I needed some help getting through this slump so I called on my friends Butch and Vickie. We ended up doing a mtn bike ride today and though I begged them to ditch me soon after we started because I could not keep up, they refused and we ended up having a challenging and fun ride. I needed that hard push...I needed to overcome those challenges and I just needed to get beat up a felt really great and I feel much better.

I know that something is broken inside me so now it's time to try and fix it...I do suppose I better figure it out fast. One final note...and I mean this in the kindest way. I know some of you will read this and email me with great comments and accolades about how far I've come and I sincerely appreciate all of it...but you don't need to this time. Just let me figure this out - cool?

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