Sunday, April 19, 2009

Skinny girl trapped inside a fat body

Scouting an area is key! A few weeks ago Windy took a group up to scout the area where the Women's Adventure Race was going to be held and it sure paid off. The race was yesterday and as soon as we saw the map, we knew exactly where all the CP's were. I was SO HAPPY, and a little relieved. I wanted to come home a winner and this was one advantage I knew we had in the bag.
My teammate Lisa was our captain yesterday...she's very strong and I just kept trying to imagine myself on tow with her. If I could just keep a steady pace we'd do well. Our navigation was spot on, and our team dynamic could not have been any better. I won't bore you too much with race details, but we paddled, biked, hiked & paddled with 3 "mystery events" between...super fun!

As you can imagine, I came home with a pretty big high from winning twice...1st for our division and 3rd overall. WOW - I didn't plan on that and still can't wrap my brain around any of it.

I'll be honest, when I looked through all of the pictures I do not look as strong as I feel, and I'm not happy about it. In fact, it upsets me very much. I feel like I work really hard but the results just don't show. How many more hours in a day can I exercise? Freakin seriously! I'm at this shit for hours at a time and my body just does not reflect it...I don't feel like a winner. There is a void inside me and it gets bigger and bigger. I don't know how to fill it...I don't know why I keep feeling worse about myself. The longer I go through this process the bigger my hole gets and the more frustrated I am. Geez, you'd think I was on steroids with all my emotional ups and down - but maybe that's what I need in order to get my body into the shape I want!

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to see the results of my hard work - is there? I want a body builders body and I'm tired of waiting for it!


Clint, Marianne and Sage said...

This may sound like crap but I know how you feel. I was super unhappy w/ how I looked in the pics. Not b/c of the belly, either. I posted very similar thoughts on my blog today. We'll get there! And I hate when people put "you look great" on my comments, so I won't say it to you. ;)

Hollon said...

nice job at the race, congrats